


Jealous

by smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger



Series: Bucky/Reader [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Jealousy, Self Confidence Issues, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-12-01 02:56:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11477151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger/pseuds/smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger
Summary: Bucky is jealous because the reader deserves better.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always I would love to know what you think!

It’s loud. Something is echoing, pounding, sending rivulets of pain through his skull. He can feel minute vibrations through his metal hand which rests on the counter. Bucky wonders what that noise is, why it won’t go away, leave him be.

It’s ricocheting off the walls, bouncing, crashing, thundering. And then silence, cotton in his ears, as a memory invades his mind. A tank, a bomb, a gun, a man. _It’s too fucking loud._

The noise is back suddenly, only this time it’s the soft murmuring of a hundred voices. The sound of harsh, wet kissing is coming from his left while laughing and the buzz of low conversation sounds around the rest of the room. His hand shakes as his brain stumbles over his anxiety. The loud noise is gone now and he realizes it had only been the frantic beating of his own heart.

But there’s still just too much going on. Too much to assess, too many possible threats, too much open space. Needless to say he hates Tony’s parties. And he hates that Y/N has to interact with people during them, unable to stay by his side throughout. Really its half his fault as she had to make up for Bucky’s silence and reclusiveness.  

Bucky starts looking around the room then for Y/N just to make sure she’s safe. The space is a large cavernous warehouse turned upscale restaurant. He needs her terribly at the moment and he know if he asks she’ll stay by his side and be his for a just a few moments, so he’ll feel better. His eyes land on her, almost immediately finding her in the crowded room. She’s talking to a group of four people, all men, all rich and successful, all clearly interested. And why shouldn’t they be? She’s a beautiful, powerful, generous Inhuman. Everyone is fascinated by her. Everyone loves her. And that is something very hard for Bucky to reconcile within himself.

Because he is not worthy of her love and he can’t quite figure out how he’s come to receive it. And if she suddenly happened decide to give it to someone else then…well, it only made sense.

One of the men puts his hand on the small of her back as he tells a joke. She laughs, face scrunching up adorably. The man beams and leans closer to her, happy that his joke made her laugh. Bucky wonders for a moment why he can’t ever seem to make her laugh like that and turns back to the bar.  

Bucky then misses the way she moves away from the man’s hand, uncomfortable eyes seeking him out and only finding a turned back, as he stares at the grains in the polished wooden countertop.

His hand is still trembling against the surface. The bartender is afraid of him. Her anxiety and fear is palpable. Because the party is being held somewhere other than the Tower and the staff doesn’t know him. They know the _Winter Soldier_. They know the killer on the news, not Bucky Barnes the broken man.

He swallows thickly, the glass in his left hand cracks, splinters, hairline fractures appearing in the glass. The couple on his left stop kissing, the bartender is suddenly halfway to the other end of the bar, her body tense and fearful. Bucky closes his eyes. God, he needs her. Y/N.

 _I promise, Buck. I’ll be there by your side if you need it. All you have to do is say the word._ Her hands had had scratches on them as she fixed his tie. Something inside him cracks. He’s so shattered and he hates it.

They’ve only been together a few months but things have been good. At the very least she hadn’t run screaming within the first few days. But then again why would she have? They’d been friends for close to a year when Y/N asked him to go out with her. He’d been so shocked he’d said yes. He liked her too but he should have said no. Bucky knows he’s no good for her, that he’s too much and not enough. Y/N deserves better, and today is just an example of that.

And since that first date he’s been trying to find some way to tell her goodbye. Because none of it makes sense and she deserves better. His heart fissures and the glass in his hand shatters completely.

 _I’ll be right there with you._ She had whispered that against his mouth just before they left her room. Now she was across the room with another man, laughing and carefree, something she can never be with him. Jealousy floods him and then evaporates.

Because it makes sense.

She deserves better, more, wholeness.

He stands and puts enough money down on the counter for the drink, the broken glass, and a generous tip for the girl. Halfway across the room someone slips their hand into his flesh one. The tension leaves his shoulders, a relieved breath passes his lips. “Doll.” Y/N brings their linked hands up to her mouth and presses her lips to his knuckles.

“Where are you going?” She asks as they continue towards the doors together.

His throat tightens, “I-,”

“You needed me.” She states sadly. “I could see it. You were someplace else in your mind and I wasn’t there to-,”

“Stop.”

“What?”

They’re outside now.

It’s cold.

“We should stop seeing each other.” There’s something itching at his brain, telling him to _stop stop stop_. He doesn’t want to break it off but- He continues as Y/N shrinks away from him, looking confused and hurt. “I don’t need you to fucking _fix_ me. I don’t need your hand in mine. In fact,” he shrugs and throws her hand away from his. “I don’t _want_ your hand in mine.” His heart shatters, shards scratching into the fabric of his soul. “I don’t want _you_. I never have. I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know how to say the words. To say, _I don’t want you_. That I don’t need your sympathy. I don’t need or want you to baby me. I don’t need you to try and fix me like you tried with _him_.”

He leans close as Y/N stares at him with tears running down her cheeks. It’s easier this way. It’s easier if she hates him. “I don’t want you. You were just too easy to play with. Ask anyone.”

Y/N backs away from him, looking at him as though she doesn’t know him at all. He didn’t just say that to a lover, he said it to a friend.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to demand and also my brain I've decided to do a part two to this! Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading! ❤️❤️❤️

“He’s all over her.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “They’re together, Buck. The sooner you accept that the better.”

Bucky’s eyes narrow as he cuts his gaze at Steve for a moment before refocusing on Y/N. “I thought you were supposed to have my back.”

“She told me what you said to her. She cried in my bed. She cried in Natasha’s and Wanda’s and Sam’s beds because she can’t figure out what she did to make you hate her.”

Instead of hearing his friend about his wrongdoing he focuses on one part of what Steve said. “She was in Sam’s bed?”

Steve rolls his eyes and grabs Bucky by the shoulders, spinning him around to meet his eyes. “You hurt her. Probably irreparably. So get over it.” With that he walks away from his oldest friend and back across the room to the group. Y/N smiles at him when he reaches them. Before she would have spared a backwards glance to look for Bucky, now she only focuses on Steve.

A sick feeling washes through him as her boyfriend presses a hand to her lower back and pulls her closer. Bucky had pushed her away because he wasn’t good enough. He never considered the possibility that someone else _could be_.

Bucky shuffles his feet and stares at the floor as he swallows hard. Maybe he should move on. But then she laughs and his head snaps up and he knows that that’s just a pipe dream. There’s no one else like Y/N, and to be perfectly honest he doesn’t want anyone else.

 

~

 

The boyfriend isn’t in the Tower today. Usually Bucky is subjected to the strange agent walking around their floor in what appears to be awe. Y/N would usually not be far behind, trailing after him or holding his hand inside hers. She would usually be wearing one of his shirts and sporting love bites on her neck. The thing that killed him the most though was her smile. Bright and giving and warm, a smile that used to be directed at him.

Bucky still doesn’t know the man’s name. He doesn’t care to. Purely by chance Bucky had found out that he worked in the labs of Stark Tower.

He knows the rest of the team is on a mission, having been left behind because of an injury. What he doesn’t expect is for Y/N to be there too, watching movies in the common room, _and_ without the boyfriend.

For a moment, he considers going back to his room as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. She hasn’t seen him yet, he could hide. But he doesn’t want to do that. He wants exactly the opposite of that. And so he makes his presence known, clearing his throat as he fully enters the room.

Y/N turns in surprise, and then stiffens. Silence makes a thick tension in the room, Y/N flushing the longer Bucky stands there staring at her.

Eventually he gives an awkward smile and says, “Hey, doll.”

Her eyes narrow to slits before she turns back to the television, ignoring him completely. Not one to be easily deterred, especially not where she’s concerned, Bucky continues forward until he’s standing beside the couch. “Mind if I sit?”

“Can’t stop you.” Is her curt reply.

Her posture is stiff as he sits next to her. Not too close but not far away either. She seems uncomfortable and Bucky remembers a time where Y/N would lean into him the second he sat down. When they had been together she practically hadn’t ever left him alone, a reassuring and trusted presence. He had craved her contact but he hadn’t ever let her know that either.

“Y/N-,”

“Don’t.” Her voice is sharp. “I don’t want to talk about it. And you made it clear you want nothing to do with me so leave me be.”

Bucky is afraid of a lot of things. He’s afraid of needles and loud noises and bombs falling from the sky. He’s afraid of combat and foreign languages and being alone. He’s afraid of touch and forgetting and love.

But he’s afraid of nothing so much as a sharp Y/N. Because it means torture, it means endless pain. She’s soft. She’s supposed to be soft. Everything about her is soft. The curve of her body, her voice, her lips, her hand on his. Her thighs are especially soft. But now, she’s a hard edge, a knife. Her brows are set and her mouth a grim line.

“Y/N…baby, please. I fucked up. I know that. Please let me explain it to you-,”

“You did fuck up. And I don’t need anything explained to me, James Barnes. I was there.” He flinches at the use of his first name. “I don’t need you to explain why I loved you with everything I had, for you to throw it in my face.”

His heart seizes. _Loved_.

“Doll-,”

She whips her head to the side to glare at him. “Don’t! Don’t do that. Don’t call me that and act like you care.”

“I love you,” he says desperately. Because it’s true and he needs her to know.

“No, you don’t.” Her voice is so harsh he’s surprised blood doesn’t drip from her lips.

He stumbles over his next words, shock and pain stabbing through his chest. “I do. Y/N-,”

“I don’t want _you_. I never have. I just didn’t know how to tell you.” She whispers, turning away from him to stare at the ground.

It feels like someone has kicked him in the chest. It’s hard to breathe, there suddenly isn’t enough air. “What? What did you say?”

“I don’t need you to try and fix me like you tried with _him._ ”

They’re his words. “Stop it, Y/N.”

Her voice trembles when she asks, “What? Does it hurt?”

Bucky licks his dry lips, swallows harshly. “Yes.”

“Good.” For a moment she doesn’t say anything as she tries to control her breathing. “You knew that I wasn’t trying to fix you. That I only wanted to be there for you.” She bites her lip hard, “He died, Bucky. Ian died. He died because I wasn’t enough, because I didn’t know how to help. He had nightmares too and they consumed him and I wasn’t enough. I’m glad you figured it out before it was too late for you too.” Y/N turns her eyes on him again, silencing him before he can start to plead with her. “You knew that. You knew he died. I trusted you with that secret. I trusted you with my broken heart.”

Another long pause stretches as tears run down both their faces. “I didn’t tell anyone how cruel you were. I let them believe you only said that you didn’t want me, that you never had. I guess I should have known not to fall for another soldier.” She sniffles, "I can be happy now. So please, please leave me be." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part three maybe?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Thanks for reading!
> 
> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Ps. I'm thinking 5 parts total?

“Well Barnes,” Natasha says, storming into the kitchen, “You’ve finally done it.” She yanks open the refrigerator door and grabs a bottle of water before violently slamming it closed again.

Bucky looks up slowly from his bowl of half-finished cereal. “What did I do?”

She marches over and glares at him. “He broke it off with her.”

“He did?” His voice goes up an octave, hopefulness coating his tone.

“Yes,” she hisses. “And it’s not a good thing. She’s heartbroken. _Again_.”

“I didn’t even do anything!” He says defensively.

Natasha rolls her eyes, “No you just made sure he was always uncomfortable. You made sure he felt unwelcome.”

Bucky rolls his eyes and delves back into his cereal. “I didn’t behave any differently than I normally do-,”

“No, but you hovered when you would usually hide in your room.” Natasha thumps her water bottle down onto the counter. “We know you’re prickly and defensive with anyone but me and Y/N and Steve. But you never hang around like that, sharpening knives, and taking apart guns with generally no facial expression at all, eyes always locked on him.”

Guilt does eat at him a little. “Did he say why he broke up with her?” Bucky asks quietly.

“No. Only that it wasn’t working out. But Y/N has an inkling that it was because of _you_.” Natasha is absolutely fuming. “He was going to ask her to marry him. They were happy. He had the ring. Y/N doesn’t know but I do. And I hope she never forgives you.”

There’s nothing really left to say as she stomps out of the kitchen.

 

~

 

Bucky meets Y/N on the couch again.

He freezes in the doorway, like before, and considers running back to his room. He’s actually in the process of shuffling backwards when she turns and sees him.

“Hey, Buck,” she murmurs, pretty eyes watery with tears. They haven’t properly spoken to each other in months, since Y/N told him to leave her alone. Actually, he’s surprised she’s even acknowledged him. She turns back around and sniffles.

The living room is dark and she’s alone and she hasn’t told him to leave. So, he pads quietly over and sits as far away as humanly possible from her on the couch. She glances over but doesn’t say anything, refocusing on the television which is playing her favorite movie.

He lets the silence stretch a little before he says, “I’m really sorry, Y/N. It’s my fault and I’ll talk to him if you want me to. I only want you to be happy. You gotta believe that. I only do what I do…as a fucked up way of making you happy.”

Y/N shakes her head, not looking over at him. “Wasn’t you. He was intimidated sure but…there were other things.”

“Oh….I’m still sorry,” he offers.

Her lips twist as she attempts to hold back tears. “I missed you, you know? Despite everything you said to me that day I miss you. And…I don’t even mean in a-a-a _relationship_ sort of way I just mean-,” she pauses and swallows hard. “I mean in a friend sort of way. We did everything together. You were my best friend.”

“I miss you too.”

“Then why did you say it?” She turns her eyes on him, “Why did you break my heart like that? When you knew what I had just been through before I met you?”

Nearly a year has passed since Bucky said those horrible things to Y/N. And for some reason now seemed like a perfectly reasonable time to bring it up. She’s numb and it doesn’t seem to hurt at the moment. “Why would you say those things to me? When you knew how much it would hurt me?”

“At the time,” he starts. “I thought that you would be better off without me. You deserve so much more than me. You deserve more than a broken man.” He turns toward her on the couch, “And I knew you would see right through me and try to comfort me and bring me back around because that’s the sort of selfless person you are, and so I said the most hurtful thing I could think of.”

She bites her lip, “Okay.”

“And…Y/N I knew you weren’t trying to fix me. I knew you weren’t...doing any of the things I said and I’m sorry. I am so very sorry.” He sighs heavily, drops his head, and wishes he could turn back time. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”

The couch shifts and Y/N is suddenly next to him, their thighs brush together. “I hate you sometimes and I won’t say it’s okay.”

“I don’t want you to,” he whispers, shaking as she puts her hand over his. Bucky closes his eyes. “I’m asking for a chance to be your friend again. Nothing more nothing less. I miss you.”

“I’ll think about it.”

A long exhale loosens the tension along his spine. “Thank you.”

Her fingers tighten against his. “Nightmare?”

In the nightmare he had lost Y/N without ever properly apologizing. His chest feels a little less tight. “Yeah.”

“I’m here.”

Somehow, things feel better.

 

~

 

For the next several months Y/N and Bucky reunite, much to the disapproval of everyone around them.

Things go back to the way they were before, for the most part. Only Y/N holds Bucky at arm’s length. They spend virtually no time alone. She looks vaguely panicked each morning when he greets her. Their conversations are always just a bit strained.

Natasha plays referee between them.

And so nothing is the same. In fact, it was probably easier when they each were pretending the other didn’t exist.

Because he still loves her and he doesn’t know what to do about it, how to move forward. He doesn’t know how to make things right. Maybe things would never be right between them. Maybe Y/N could never fully forgive him.

He had, after all, used her biggest vulnerability, her greatest heartache, against her. And all because he had been jealous and afraid and insecure.

Bucky’s never believed he deserves her. But he wants to be able to and only Y/N can bring that out of him.

It’s after a team dinner when it happens. Bucky, usually on the fringe of the group at his best, had decided to give the dinner a chance. He sat next to Y/N who sat next to Cassie, Scott’s daughter. They had been adorable together, giggling and whispering. The little girl had been infatuated with Y/N, but then again most people were. He had gotten such a soft feeling in his heart that he had had to turn away, catching a glare from Natasha and a frown from Steve.

They’re put on dish duty together afterwards and that’s when he decides to open his big mouth again. His softened heart had loosened his tongue.

She’s laughing loudly at something he said, eyes crinkled at the corners with a half dried plate in her hands. “Y/N…” he whispers softly.

Panic immediately overcomes her as she glances around the kitchen and realizes they’ve been left alone. An excuse to get out of the room is already spilling from her lips when he says her name again. “ _Please_.”

“Please what?”

“I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve made a mess of things but you seem like you don’t want to give me a chance to make up for it. And I know I don’t deserve this chance but you said you’d give it to me. You run when we’re alone. You don’t talk to me about important things anymore. I think about you all the time. I miss you so much it hurts.”

She shrinks away but doesn’t leave. “I’m trying, Bucky.” Her eyes skitter around the room nervously, focusing on anything but him, “But it’s hard to trust you. What if it happens again? You said it in a moment of vulnerability but I was…I _am_ vulnerable too.” Her hands shake, dishtowel dropping from between her fingers. “It’s hard to be alone with you. It’s hard to look at you and laugh with you when my heart aches to be next to yours.”

He sucks in a harsh breath but doesn’t say anything. Not yet.

“Because I still love you. Despite everything.” Her voice is small and she doesn’t look up to meet his gaze. “And I’m afraid to.”

In two long strides he’s standing in front of her, engulfing Y/N in his arms. “Please, baby, I am so sorry. I’ll never hurt you like that again. I miss you so much.”

“I’m right here,” she mumbles, pliant and warm in his arms. She presses her nose into his chest, inhaling contentedly. “I want you. I love you, even if you never loved me.” It’s wrong. He hurt her. She should run away.

But she doesn’t, because she wants him.

Bucky goes deadly still. “I love you,” he tries. “I’ve never stopped.”

“But you said-,”

“I know what I said.” He tilts her head up with a finger curled beneath her chin. “But it wasn’t true. I didn’t mean any of it. I thought you deserved better, Y/N, and that was my shitty way of getting you there.”

Her eyes are large and watery, locked intensely on his, “I broke up with him because he wasn’t you. And he knew it. And I-I-I said your name.” She swallows harshly, “I didn’t just say it. I screamed it and that had been the final straw. He wasn’t good enough but I don’t know if I can trust you.”

Instead of answering he angles his head toward hers, pressing his forehead against hers. “I’m not good enough, Y/N. But I’ll try every day to be better.” Their lips brush, “And I’ll never stop being sorry for trying to push away the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

She presses her lips fully to his, arms reaching up to circle his neck. It’s chaste at first but quickly turns passionate as his tongue slips into her mouth. Y/N presses closer and closer, moaning into his mouth when he hooks his hands under her thighs and lifts her onto the counter behind her.

Y/N’s legs go around his waist, pulling him as close as they can possibly be when she breaks off with a gasp.

“Baby-,”

“Take me to your room.”

Bucky hesitates for half a second. He shouldn’t. It’s a mistake and he should _not_ listen to her. But she presses her mouth to his neck, leaving soft kisses in her wake, and he loses his resolve. Letting her down from the counter, they sneak past the thankfully empty living room. They head to his room. 

As soon as they make it to his room, she’s on him again, murmuring something about love and loneliness and heartbreak. None of it much matters, and they both know it, _because they’re together again._

There isn’t a part of her skin that he doesn’t kiss, touch, worship. She trembles when she comes, voice laced with ecstasy as she shouts his name. Bucky’s quieter, speaking her name like a prayer between stifled moans.

It’s their first time together.

Tears spring to Y/N’s eyes when he nearly collapses on top of her, his arms shaking. She threads her fingers through his long hair and cries. Bucky shushes her and keeps his head against her chest, ear against her heart. Y/N feels wetness against her breast and knows he’s tearful too. Over and over and over, he murmurs that he loves her, that he’s sorry, that he’ll do his best to be good for her.

She nods and kisses the top of his head, overcome with fierce love. Bucky thinks everything is okay, that now they can move forward, and falls asleep wrapped closely around her.  

But when he wakes the next morning the bed is cold, her clothes are gone, and in the center of his chest is a weight that he thinks might never go away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this! Sorry for the long wait ❤️❤️
> 
> Let me know what you think❤️

Y/N had been partly underneath Bucky when she had woken that morning, his breaths soft against her exposed throat. And for a moment she let herself forget. Y/N let herself forget everything that had happened between them and the mistake they had made last night.

She had threaded her fingers though his hair and felt his sigh of contentment. Her lips had pressed soft kisses to his scruff covered cheeks, the top of his head.

And then reality had come flooding back in, stark, harsh, and anxious.

Bucky would wake up and tell her it was all a lie. He’d lied before, or so he claims, so why not now? Y/N doesn’t want to feel that deep ache of heartbreak again. She doesn’t want him to look at her with disgust and laugh about how she had believed him. Most of all, she doesn’t want to feel used. If she got up and left now, then he wouldn’t be able to use it against her. Because then, clearly she had thought the same thing as him: it all meant nothing.

So now, she gets up carefully, not wanting to wake Bucky.

Hastily throwing on her clothes and only glancing back at his peaceful form once, she leaves the room. Maybe this is what she had needed to move on from him. Maybe this is for the best. She can’t figure out why her chest hurts so much.

She closes herself in her room and manages to keep her composure long enough to shower and put on some sweatpants. Y/N had scrubbed hard at her skin, trying frantically to rid herself of his scent, to take him away from her skin, to erase their night together. But when she reaches in her dresser the first thing her fingers touch is one of Bucky’s shirts. She hadn’t known she still had any of his clothes.

For a moment everything stands still as she stares at the plain black t-shirt in her hands. And then it slips away to pool on the floor. She slumps to the ground. Tears pool in her eyes as she begins to sob, heels of her hands grinding into her eyes as she desperately tries to stem the flow of her heartbreak.

She lies there on the carpet, unable to support herself kneeling any longer. Her fingers scrabble until they find his shirt, tugging it to her chest.

Why can’t he just love her and mean it? What had she done to make him want to hurt her this way? Why can’t she get over him? She is she so _stupid_?

Y/N doesn’t know how long she lies on the carpet, clutching Bucky’s shirt to her chest and crying. It feels like hours, as she thinks about Ian, the man she had loved and lost before Bucky, and Bucky himself. They’re the only two people she had ever truly loved romantically. Thinking about them only makes her cry harder and she can’t seem to make herself stop. Eventually she runs out of tears and only lies there sniffling, chest aching, feeling like it might cave in at any second. She’s exhausted and doesn’t know what to do.

Maybe she should leave. Living at the Tower, after all, hasn’t helped her move on at all. Maybe if she could convince someone to reassign her-

There’s a knock at her door. Y/N freezes, listening hard.

When she doesn’t answer the knocking quickly turns frantic. Slowly, she pulls herself up from her bedroom floor and puts on a shirt that isn’t Bucky’s. But she scoops his up off the floor and carries it with her to her front door, pressing her nose into it every so often even though it smells like the inside of her dresser and not like Bucky at all anymore.

She pauses when she hears the person on the other side of the door. “Y/N? I know you’re there, baby. Please open the door. _Please_.” He thumps his fist against the wood, making her jump and grip the fabric between her fingers desperately.

Silently creeping forward she leans her ear against the door and listens to the painful intakes of breath. It sounds like he might’ve ran to her door. “Please, doll. I don’t…I don’t know how I messed up this time. I thought we…I thought we were okay? I thought after last night that we…” His forehead thumps against the door, “I’ll never stop regretting what I said as long as I live. I’m sorry, doll. Please open the door…let me tell you. I know ‘m not good with words but I’ll try. I thought I had showed you last night but…”

She thinks about his mouth against her skin, the gentleness he showed her, the soft kisses, the love and happiness that had swelled in her chest. She glances down at his shirt in her hands and brings in up to her nose again. It still doesn’t smell like him even though Y/N half expects it to, and she really wants it to. Y/N thinks about her previous boyfriend who had decided to break it off after she called him _Bucky_ in bed. In truth she hadn’t been that upset about the breakup. He was never going to be Bucky. He would never be enough for her, only one person really ever could be. And he’s standing on the other side of that door.

Bucky had ruined her for everyone else. Y/N doesn’t think she’ll ever love anyone else.

There’s sigh as Bucky knocks his fist against the door one last time in defeat. “I love you, Y/N. But I understand. I’m sorry. I’ll always be sorry.”

Her hand closes around the doorknob and yanks the door open. Bucky’s already turned away and so she ends up with her arms wrapped around him from behind. She presses her forehead to the space between his shoulder blades. “Please don’t turn away from me, Buck. Tell me last night meant something to you.”

He turns in her arms and tilts her chin up with one finger. “Yes, of course it did. It means everything to me. I thought we were finally going to work things out. Did you-did you think that I was going to-,”

“Yeah,” she murmurs. “I thought you might...” Y/N trails off and stops, refusing to look into his eyes. “I didn’t want to be broken again but it doesn’t matter because I already am. I love you and I don’t want to feel stupid for loving you. I want you to want me back. I want you to love me back and not hate me because you do.”

There’s a moment of silence in which both their hearts break a little more. And then Bucky wraps his arms tight around her and kisses her temple. “I do want you back. I love you, and I certainly don’t hate you because I do. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you. I wasn’t…I wasn’t going to-to _leave_ you doll. I-,”

“You did before though,” she mumbles into his neck. “You said you couldn’t stand me and then you left.”

It’s silent for a long time as they hold each other in the hall, neither willing or able to let go.

“Are you ever going to be able to forgive me for that night, Y/N?”

“That’s the thing. I already have but I’m so afraid that you might hurt me again.” Her breath hitches as she inhales and tries not to start crying again.

Bucky pulls back and cradles her head between his hands. “Baby, I said those things because I thought I was burning bridges so you could be happy. I never realized, or thought it possible, that I could make you happy. I want to make you happy. I hate that I’ve made you cry so much, broken your heart so many times. I didn’t mean anything I said but I understand if it’s something you can’t move past.” He glances away from her eyes. “But, doll, I love you. I want you. And I promise I will never do something like that again. I’ll spend the rest of my days trying to make it up to you. I-,”

She kisses him suddenly, pulling him backward through her door, never taking her lips from his. “Promise?”

“Yes. I promise,” he murmurs reverently.

Y/N peppers kisses to his chin and cheeks. “I just don’t want you to look at me and say it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Babydoll,” he presses his forehead against hers. “You’re so good to me, I can’t understand how I deserve it. You mean everything to me.” It’s then he notices the shirt in her hands. “Is that mine?” He asks, leaning back to look into her eyes. “Why do you have it?”

She hands it to him. “I, uh, found it in my drawer just now and it made me cry. And now it doesn’t smell like you which only upset me further.”

“Well,” he says, pulling her close. “We’ll just have to fix that then, won’t we?”

Y/N gives a tiny smile, not daring to believe she might get Bucky back, “Guess we will.”

“Let me show you, baby, just how much you mean. You know words aren’t-,”

Bucky had always, strangely, considering what he had been through, shown love through touch. Everything else became muddled with love, words became tangled, actions misinterpreted. But with touch from a trusted person, he thrived, like a plant absorbing light. And so naturally that’s how he shows affection and love as well. Holding hands, hugs, kissing. Sex.

It wasn’t just with her either. He patted Sam’s shoulder, gave hugs to Natasha, and used to cling to Steve like a bug caught in a web.

She takes his hand and whispers in his ear, “I’m here. Show me.”

He nods and goes still, thoughts darting around his mind. “Stay here. I’ll be back in a second.” And so she _knows_ he’ll be back, he kisses her long on the mouth before trekking back to his room, leaving Y/N behind him speechless with a warm feeling in her chest.

 

~

 

She’s lying on her bed when Bucky returns. The front door slams and the lock twists before he makes his way to her bedroom. Immediately he hands her something folded, which she takes gingerly and with a bit of confusion.

It’s a shirt.

“Smell it.”

She presses her nose to the material and is rewarded with the soft smell of Bucky. Y/N clutches it but says, “Now why would I need this when you’re here?”

Instead of answering he beckons her forward. Y/N does so, sitting at the edge of the bed with Bucky between her thighs. He motions for her to lift her arms, stripping her of her shirt and replacing it with the one he had retrieved from his room.

Something about it makes her feel better, like she’s his. She smiles and wraps her arms around him. “Thanks.”

“I’m not leaving, Y/N. Not again.”

He pushes her back on the bed and kisses her slowly, trying to put all the love he feels for her into the kiss. For a long while he just kisses her, hands wandering every so often.

But then his hands push up the hem of the shirt she wears until its above her breasts. He positively worships her, nearly irritating her at the same time as she feels teased. When Bucky pulls back from her, her pupils are blown wide with lust. “You’re so fucking beautiful, love.” Bucky’s large hands kneed her breasts, “So beautiful, baby.”

Fingers travel down to her sweats, pulling them off her hips. Her panties follow. “Let me show you, Y/N,” he nearly begs. “Please, doll, I can’t lose you.”

She reaches up and pushes some of his hair back. “Okay, baby, okay,” she coos. “Show me.”

Bucky won’t let the opportunity slip by and presses his mouth to her dripping pussy as he goes to his knees beside the bed.

Y/N lets him make love to her any way he wants. His stamina and the serum aiding him in prolonging it well into the afternoon. His jaw actually gets sore and Y/N has to beg him to stop making her come. He enjoys that, enjoys hearing how much pleasure he’s caused her. He likes the way her chest heaves and the way her voice curls around the words _I am yours, you are mine._ He doesn’t deserve her but he’ll damn well spend the rest of his life trying to find a way to deserve her.

Still panting, he pulls Y/N onto his chest and kisses her hard. “Tell me.”

“I’m yours, James.”

“And I am _yours_ , Y/N.”

Her sweaty skin sticks to his as he runs his fingers over her sides. Closing his eyes as the sun starts to set outside the large window of his room, he thinks things might be okay. She still wears his shirt and her nose is against his neck. Things are good as her breathing evens and slows, Bucky having tired her out completely.

He’s happy, content.

He’s never letting her go.


End file.
